Explaining myself

First things first: I’ve been working on a few new pages for the Digital Ambler site describing various occult things.  Check out the Rituals and Skills section of the site for pages on conjurations, prayers, chants, scripts, and other goodies you may find helpful.  I’ll be adding stuff to these sections as I find more useful things to post.  There’s not much yet, but I’m still starting, and there’s a lot to be said for a simple conjuration, after all.  Be kind to those spirits, now.

Anyway, you’d think I’d have a good reason for spending a healthy amount of my time and resources on this hobby of mine.  I don’t.

I’ve been into the occult for a long time, it’s true.  I credit my sister, who’s been into astrology and Tarot for almost two decades now and who’s also been my role model for a good chunk of my life.  I also credit, partially, my brother, who left a bunch of his neopagan books and trinkets mostly to my care when he went off to college (thence to become Orthodox Jewish, but that’s another story).  This stuff has always fascinated me, along with tales of mythology and adventure, demons and dragons, wizards and windcallers.  I’ve always had a penchant for learning about religion and theology of various cultures and investigating the folk practices and magics that people did behind the scenes, stuff the establishment may not have approved of but was carried out nonetheless.  I’ve always been fascinated by the universe in a way that the modern scientistic worldview could never satisfy, even with a grand teleology.

Sure, it’s helpful to be able to change my world and life and self for the better.  It’s no bad thing to learn how to protect myself from negative influences, demons, or malignant entities, especially with one foot in the door already with all this stuff.  It’s dizzying and elating to learn how many different ways you can view the same thing or event and still be able to make complete sense of it in a grander view of the world.  It’s soothing to be able to connect and relate more to others, to where I am, to where you are, to how things have been, are, and will be.  Plus, the cool factor to the occult is just about overwhelming.  A friend told me that’s the reason everyone gets drawn to it in the beginning, after all.

But I don’t know why I’m drawn to this stuff.  By rights, I should be a logical down-to-earth person focused on getting my student loans paid off and having a good time with my life (and I am, don’t you worry about that).  This stuff I do shouldn’t exist: talismans have no mechanism by which they should effect change on the world; incorporeal spirits shouldn’t exist, much less chat with me about philosophy; astrology and other methods of divination can’t describe things unknown by conventional means more than pure chance would have it.  And yet, all these things happen, and all the time, and I find myself with the ability and power to do so much, even as I just begin on my path.  I hear stories from friends about their interactions with things that can’t possibly happen (possession by local spirits, seeing men without shadows, relatives getting hurt when trying to tamper with a sacred space, objects moving when there’s no way for them to move like they do, etc.), so this can’t just be me unless everyone’s psychosis is a lot worse than the medical establishments have been letting on.

Maybe there’s something to this past life stuff, where I’m meant to walk this path because I already started long ago.  Maybe the draw is more than just “this looks awesome, what else can I do?”.  Maybe I’ve got some role to play with Fate and the world that requires me to be involved with this stuff.  Maybe I’m just crazy and making things look like it’s all completely sensible.  Whatever it is or may be, I’m stuck with this stuff, and I’m absolutely loving it.  Whatever the reason is, I’m becoming a magician, and I’m going to find out why, one way or another.  If I ever get in contact with my higher spirits (genius, HGA, guide, whatever), I’ve got some questions for him, and I expect answers.  All in due time, of course, since I suppose the Divine Sockpuppet can’t be expected to babysit me completely.

On a side note, I conjured Raphael today to pursue the initiation into the sphere of air.  Before he accepted me, he asked me “why?”.  I had to explain that I’m taking up this path to learn how to bring about change and divine will in accordance with my own and vice versa, but there’s definitely more to it, I feel.  I guess I’m taking that question and running with it.