I wrote this up in a fit of emoness and self-pity, which is uncommon for me (I attribute it to the fast and recent question-and-answer quest I’ve been on lately). Although I held off on posting about it last night, I’ve decided to go through it, clean it up, and post my thoughts. It’s been a growing concern/irritant for me as of late, anyhow, but whatever. My blog, my rules, yada yada. I beg you, dear reader, to forgive this rare outburst of angst.
“You’re on the right path. You’re doing the right thing.”
Not gonna lie, this gets really old after being told it time and time again no matter where I look. When I ask about whether I’m doing something right, or if I’m doing the right thing for myself and my life, I get told this. From spirits in conjurations, from divination readings I do with geomancy, from readings from my sister with Tarot. I suppose I should be happy that I’m doing the right thing and the thing right, especially when so many people I see and read about are so far from it, but it’s not that assuring when more than half of what I do feels like flailing around in the dark.
My astral sight and hearing sucks, and even using my astral vortex ring I’ve got a hellish time doing what feels like much in the astral plane. Conjurations using my current setup and means put me in contact with the spirits, but only what seems like barely; nothing overwhelming, just small whispers in the back of my mind, with maybe a very faint fuzzy outline in the crystal when I look really hard. I still feel like I have a hard time speaking things with intent, and the results of other people seem fantastic and mythic compared to the oft-paltry things I experience. I mean, I do the Work, or I try to, but it feels like I’m severely impaired in doing so, even though every observer, present or distant, seems to claim the exact opposite. And, to an extent, they’re right. The oils, weapons, and instruments I consecrate work and work very well, with their power very noticeable rooms away. The spirits I call are heard by people who can hear as well. The rituals I develop often provide astounding results for other people.
That said, it feels like I’m working a graphing calculator with no knowledge of how or why it works. I don’t know the mathematical formulae and programs running the thing, so I can’t really see how results are obtained from a given function. I don’t know how the wires, processor, or other hardware are set up, so I can’t really grok how the results are communicated or processed. That’s what it often feels like to me doing the Work: flailing around in the dark, doing things but with the most vague notions of how and why, if I have any notion at all. I feel like a little kid or something wielding these instruments of the Art, sometimes exceedingly powerful ones, with only the barest of glimmers of notions how to properly use them or even what I could use them for, much less how to apply them using other tools to do something even more complex. The only real occult skill I feel comfortable in is geomancy, and for all its worldly helpfulness, it’s hardly theurgical.
Even then, though, if it’s true that I am on the right track, doing the right stuff, doing it right, and with no further explanation, then I suppose I don’t really need to know what or how, so long as I’m doing it and doing it well. As far as I can ascertain, and this might be a pretty hubris-laden joke on myself to say, I’m here in this world to do magic. That sounds awesome, and it kinda makes sense, since most of my life has geared me for studying this stuff as well as giving me the resources to focus on it as freely as I want to and far more than some I know. I’m hoping, very desperately hoping, that once I obtain K&CHGA I’ll be able to ask some questions and figure out the big Whats, Whys, and Hows of my life. Apparently, I’m on the right track and doing the right things to obtain that, too; I know K&CHGA is supposed to take a while for most people, but I can’t overstate how much I want it now so I can start figuring things out, as well as figure out new things, like direction and purpose. It’s incredibly frustrating when details of your life, purpose, and direction are almost cruelly hidden from you, keeping you in the dark about what to do next, when that’s what you really want to know.
Sigh. Maybe I should take a hint from my natal horoscope and really focus on the lesson taught by a North Node in Pisces and a South Node in Virgo: “go with the flow, stop overthinking things, let go and go, don’t overjudge, relax, set priorities according to usefulness not theory”.
Okay, that’s my emo self-pitying rant. Back to Work.