Allopathy with Humours in Practice

Earlier today, I was making chickpea curry, since I like curry and had some beans leftover that needed to be used before they got all nasty.  So I mixed the chickpeas with spices, a jar of tomatoes, and stuff like that, including some dried chipotle peppers I decided to cut up and crush up.  The curry tastes amazing, with that just-right amount of subtle spice.  Spicy or hot things, as you might have guessed, would be considered a fiery substance, and in the old theory of humours, this is called a choleric food (choler = yellow bile = humour of Fire).

Well, being the forgetful idiot that I am, I didn’t wash my hands before adjusting myself in my pants.  Thus ensued a period of intense pain on my wang, which, after thinking about it briefly with friends on the Internet, could be alleviated by another foodstuff I have in my fridge.  Saith I from my conversation: “I’m about to go slather my cock in yoghurt.”

Well, yoghurt is a dairy product, and milk is considered a phlegmatic substance (phlegm = humour of Water).  Fire and water counteract and are of opposing natures, so I gave it a shot.  Despite it being one of the most awkward experiences of my life, cold yoghurt worked to remove the burnening.

Clearly, I have learned a valuable lesson: use strained or Greek-style yoghurt for a smoother texture.

5 responses

  1. “To Get an Erection When You Want: Grind up a pepper with some honey and coat your ‘thing’.”

    I think you’re following in a fine magical tradition, brother.

  2. The joys of being the general go-to guy for anything even vaguely medically related:

    Female friend: “I took the pill, but it still burns!”
    Me: “It’ll take a day or so to kick in, but it’ll work.”
    Female friend: “Is there anything I can do in the meantime?”
    Me: “…do you have any plain yoghurt?”
    Female friend: “Yeah, but how will… wait… really? Seriously?”

    (20 minutes later)

    New text message: “THERE IS NO GRACEFUL WAY TO DO THIS”

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