One of the perks of having a government job is the relative ease of being able to work from home, especially if you’re an IT guy.  It’s absolutely wonderful, also because I don’t have to go to DC for one day each workweek.  Absolutely fabulous.  And yes, as a matter of fact, I’m as productive at home as I am in the office, so shut up.

Still, being able to work from home also allows me more time to work on my hobbies and housework, and sometimes the two are the same.  For instance, cleaning the house.  It’s been a while since I gave the house a thorough cleaning, and though I’m too lazy to go through every detail like my tub and the furnace room, I recently gave the house a good going-over and airing-out.  However, based on the stories of Fratres RO and Pallas Renatius, I figured it might be a good idea to banish the house and get it clean in every possible way.  Normally I do this by sprinkling holy water around the house while chanting “απο απο κακοδαιμοης” (“away, away, evil spirits”), but I figured I wanted something with a little extra oomph this time around.  Happily enough, my housemate and I went to an occult store in old town Alexandria, and I was able to get a bottle of banishing and cleansing oil which I put to use.

Now, the thing about banishing is that it gets rid of a lot of stuff, including things I potentially want to keep around (cf. Pallas Renatus’ Potion of GTFO, which is something to keep in the back of your mind if you ever need to do a spiritual and ethereal genocide on an area), and since I’m on good terms with my household spirits, I figured I might want to give them a break.  I immersed and cleansed a quartz crystal I had lying around in holy water, keeping it in my room in the back of the house.  I lit a consecrated candle and walked around the house, proclaiming my intent of banishing the area and asking all the friendly, helpful, and kind spirits belonging to the house and home to follow me.  When I reached my room I had them all take refuge in the crystal until the house was clean and cleansed.  I placed it under the guard of the original candle I had lit, just to make sure nothing unsavory approached it while I went around banishing the place.

With the good guys safely hidden, I got to work banishing the place.  I lit a consecrated candle in each room to fill it with a holy light, turned on the central AC’s fan, and lit some frankincense and myrrh incense next to the air intake vent to spread the smoke around the house.  I mixed a small bowl of holy water and the banishing oil, gave a general license to depart for all the remaining spirits, called out a prayer to St. Michael for protection and aid in cleansing the place, and got to work, sprinkling the holy water and oil all around the house in every room, high and low, calling out “απο απο κακοδαιμοης”.  I dabbed some of the water/oil in each corner and on every door, window, and air vent in the house, charging and conjuring them to not permit any evil, deceit, or wickedness in any way to pass through or by them into the house.

And then I went ahead and vacuumed, swept, dusted, and cleaned the place, taking out the trash as the last step to get rid of anything else that had lingered, opening up the doors and windows to air out the house (which, given the cool and rainy weather today, really freshened up the place).  After all the incense and consecrated candles went out on their own, I went ahead and took up the quartz crystal again and let the spirits that had taken refuge inside it out again back into their home.  With all them back and free, I lit a large candle and some sandalwood and gardenia incense as thanks and as an offering to the household gods and spirits, asking them, the goddess of hearth and home Vesta, and the Almighty to bless the home.

I noticed a few things while doing all this.  When I was gathering the good spirits of the house up for refuge, I noticed that I felt a presence (presences?) follow me, getting stronger in each room, which then sorta swirled and swarmed around me when I urged them into the crystal; between then and when I let them out again, the house felt a lot emptier and alone, more than when I’m normally alone.  After banishing, cleansing, and cleaning the place up, the place really felt fresh and new, which may have been due to looks alone, but even then I was impressed by how much brighter things felt.  (I recall one time I had a chat with my household genius, and he showed me what things looked like to him, astrally I suppose, when the house was like when it was dirty and defiled versus clean and cleansed.  Big difference.)  As I led the blessing for the home, things immediately felt much richer and comfier, just the air around me, and really gave the place an all-around wonderful feeling.  I’m pretty pleased with how all this turned out.

I realized that I never really got around to giving the house a thorough cleaning and cleansing since my last few projects, and I noticed that things have gotten a little rough here and there, even while things have overall been wonderful since I made contact with all the big planetary guys (especially the dream recall, mad props Gabriel, mad props).  Given how I’m getting into more regular work and bigger projects coming up, I figured I may as well tidy up the place and make note of a baseline for how clean things can be; when things get too crazy or start feeling icky, I’ll do this again.

Oh, and yes, the title is a Hyperbole and a Half reference, because she is amazing and I love her, and also because I’ve been doing Wheelock’s Latin exercises.  So sue me.

EDIT: Fr. Pallas Renatus, that loveable crackhead sorcerer, did a wonderful thing.  He is amazing.

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