Last week I was studying the element of water in preparation for my next task, conjuring the angel Gabriel for an initiation into the element of water. After reading for a bit on the correspondences of water, I decided to sit down and contemplate the element of water, not just the correspondences but the element itself. I felt washed over with emotion and feeling. It struck a nerve, since I’m not used to feeling like that at all; I’m usually plenty happy and content just being who I am, where I am. But it felt like I was being permeated and surrounded by rushing water all at once. I went outside to get a breath of air, when it started to rain pretty heavily. The first thing that came to mind, given the weather and what I just felt, was a line from one of Robyn’s songs, “it’s a good thing tears never show in the pouring rain / as if a good thing could ever make up for all the pain”.
For some reason, I felt it right to go ahead and conjure Gabriel and ask for the initiation into the element of water right then. Again, like the first time with Auriel, it wasn’t a very strong connection, and there was only a vague sense of shape that I saw in the crystal, but I felt a sort of wavy-watery turbulence around me. When I asked for the spirit’s office, just to be sure I conjured the right thing, I sort of felt a light above me illuminate the water that filled the area. I suppose that’s one way to show you’re in control.
I asked for the initiation into the element of water, and immediately I felt like I was pushed into the deep end of a pool. I felt scared, confused, lost, in danger, liberated, all sorts of things all at once. (I had been expecting something like this for a while now, since me and water have never really gotten along before, but damn). I asked Gabriel if it was ever going to get any easier, and he said that I’ll just have to accept this, kind of like a father trying to convince a child to suck it up. I thanked him after getting his seal and sent him on his way.
The rest of the night I was just emotionally torn to shreds. I couldn’t stop feeling like I wanted to curl up and hide but could never curl up small enough, or that I was always going to be scared and wanted to just get out, get out, get out. It passed by the next morning, largely, but I’ve still been a little emotionally out-of-balance, going from both extremes of exuberance and moodiness. I can occasionally recall the feeling of being washed over with water, and how it brings back to mind the feelings of fear, confusion, and just plain openness that such…I dunno. It’s still really hard to put into words, but that’s water for you. The thing is that whenever I’ve been recalling that feeling of water, there always feels like something solid inside of me that doesn’t get washed away or permeated. It’s like it doesn’t want to be washed away at all, it wants to resist, it wants to fight back, it wants to escape, and it feels like all the fear is being centered around that solid part of myself.
So, yesterday, I did another meditation on water, again recalling the feeling of being washed over and just contemplating what it was. I focused on that solid part of me, I explored what the seal that Gabriel gave me felt like (a column of water falling down and becoming a river), and just in general began to really get water. I can’t say understand or comprehend, since water, being emotional, doesn’t obey the laws of logic or clearheadedness; that’s not what water is or does. Water is something completely different, and that’s always posed a problem for me in relating to certain people.
I began to understand what it meant to let things go, why people are scared and react the way they do out of emotion. It began to click what happened when Promethea let go to the water in Netzach, why samurai meditate and train under waterfalls, why that solid place in my center never wanted to let go and dissolve with the rest of me. It sounds more significant than it felt, since I still have a long way to go in learning about water and how emotion works its way. But at least I got my toes wet.